AP or not AP? Binky AND a bottle. ACK!!
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
Baby Levi Pics!!
I've started this blog for Levi and Livie pics so my "diary" blog isn't bogged down w/ them.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
Answered Prayers
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
Answered Prayers
I feel I must thank God for the prayers he has answered in such ways that I know he has.
I've prayed for months/year? even for a "new" best friend IRL. I haven't had a best girlfriend since highschool. I have one online that I met a few years back. She's great. We have a lot in common. I've told her some of my deepest, most shameful secrets. However, she's not HERE. She's in another state. I can't go shopping with her or go hang out at her house. Well yesterday Cindy called me her best friend. At first I was a bit taken aback. The last "woman" who started calling me that was before Livie. I became pregnant and miscarried at 12 weeks. Well that "best friend" hasn't been around since. But Cindy's different. She's not airheaded for one lol. We have tons in common down to our "weird" parenting ways.
So prayer #1-best friend irl GRANTED!
Of course prayers for a soulmate and a healthy baby girl were granted some time back.
Prayed for my dream birth-granted.
Prayed for Levi to live through his surgeries-granted.
Prayed for Levi to recover from surgeries-granted.
Prayed for normal family life-granted even if it was only a short 3 or 4 weeks.
Prayed for a closer relationship w/ my mother-granted through the trial of Levi's cancer.
Prayed for a "better" relationship between dh and his father. Same as above.
God is good to us.
Answered Prayers
I feel I must thank God for the prayers he has answered in such ways that I know he has.
I've prayed for months/year? even for a "new" best friend IRL. I haven't had a best girlfriend since highschool. I have one online that I met a few years back. She's great. We have a lot in common. I've told her some of my deepest, most shameful secrets. However, she's not HERE. She's in another state. I can't go shopping with her or go hang out at her house. Well yesterday Cindy called me her best friend. At first I was a bit taken aback. The last "woman" who started calling me that was before Livie. I became pregnant and miscarried at 12 weeks. Well that "best friend" hasn't been around since. But Cindy's different. She's not airheaded for one lol. We have tons in common down to our "weird" parenting ways.
So prayer #1-best friend irl GRANTED!
Of course prayers for a soulmate and a healthy baby girl were granted some time back.
Prayed for my dream birth-granted.
Prayed for Levi to live through his surgeries-granted.
Prayed for Levi to recover from surgeries-granted.
Prayed for normal family life-granted even if it was only a short 3 or 4 weeks.
Prayed for a closer relationship w/ my mother-granted through the trial of Levi's cancer.
Prayed for a "better" relationship between dh and his father. Same as above.
God is good to us.
Monday, August 02, 2004
Hating This
I hate this sense of spinning out of control. I hate this obsessing about the MRI. Tonight I have this crazy sense of urgency. We bought a camcorder to record his birth and basically haven't used it since and I want to NOW. And I can't find the stinking battery. It's up and disappeared. I can still use the camcorder but it has to be plugged in so I can just grab it up and start recording just anytime anywhere. What if this is the last week he's a normal, healthy (in appearance) little baby boy? What if I never see him smile and giggle after this week? What if the chemo totally changes his personality? He didn't smile the entire time he was in the Boston hospital. That was only 2.5 weeks. Who knows how long chemo will last and how sick he'll be. What if he never smiles again? I can't stand this. I wish next week was over with. I want to get the MRI and the results done and over with. I can't stand this I can't stand this I can't stand this. I've cried more in the last few days than I have since his birth. I wish I could just push repeat and keep reliving the same day over and over and over. Never having to go fwd. Never worrying about another test. Chemo. The future. Just be happy and laughing every day the same as the last. Down to the very food we eat and the same commercials on tv. Just as long as every day he is the same healthy, happy little baby boy.
Friday, July 30, 2004
Afraid of Chicago
Friday, July 30, 2004
Afraid Of Chicago
I'm so afraid to go to Chicago. I'm so scared they're going to say he has cancer still in his little body. Since we've been back from Boston it's almost like we can pretend nothing's wrong. If you can ignore the zipperhead and the tube sticking out his chest you'd never know he has cancer. I feel like maybe it was all a dream ya know? And when I go to Chicago they're going to pinch me and say nope not a dream. I don't want to go. I want to hide my head. Stay home. Joke around w/ my dh. Watch Livie play nekid out in the yard. Nurse Levi while watching Days. Talk to my fellow mamas online. Get my website running again. And forget I ever felt the need for a stinking online diary! I only write when I'm sad and angry at the world.
Afraid Of Chicago
I'm so afraid to go to Chicago. I'm so scared they're going to say he has cancer still in his little body. Since we've been back from Boston it's almost like we can pretend nothing's wrong. If you can ignore the zipperhead and the tube sticking out his chest you'd never know he has cancer. I feel like maybe it was all a dream ya know? And when I go to Chicago they're going to pinch me and say nope not a dream. I don't want to go. I want to hide my head. Stay home. Joke around w/ my dh. Watch Livie play nekid out in the yard. Nurse Levi while watching Days. Talk to my fellow mamas online. Get my website running again. And forget I ever felt the need for a stinking online diary! I only write when I'm sad and angry at the world.
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Nothing Witty to Say
"One of the challenges of nursing a toddler is that you become aware that your attitude about breastfeeding and weaning is a little bit different from other families'. Unless you're hanging around with La Leche League members, you may not know anyone who is nursing a child as old as yours. Meanwhile, there are people in your life who think you're a little strange (or worse) and don't hesitate to tell you so."While mothers who nurse children of one and two and three may be out of step with the prevailing parenting culture, it's really the culture that is out of step with the needs of growing humans. A look beyond Western culture . . . reveals that in many human societies children are nursed until they are three years old or more. The World Health Organization recommends at least two years of breastfeeding for babies around the world."From The Breastfeeding Book: Everything You Need to Know About Nursing Your Child from Birth Through Weaning, by Martha Sears.
I love the website that comes from.
Today is such a blah day. Cindy and kids are back from Nevada and I soooo sooo want to see them but am just blah. Levi's is passed out in his swing, Livie's in the tub cause she's a dirtmongrel from playing outside. "Mama" Grandma is on her way YES! It's not that Livie's out of control today or anything I'm just ugh. Levi's been waking up several times at night crying and I'm not sure what's up with that. Making it tough for me to feel 100% during the day.
Livie funnies:
I had on Jason's tshirt. Livie said "No! Daddy's!" Made me take it off and put on my own. Then she told on me!
I heard her hiding under one of my tables on my sewing area side of the room. I hear quiet "snip snip" noises then a louder SNIP and Livie whispering to herself "SHHH Mommy!"
Boston, my dalmatian, had her pinned under his leg out on his couch on the back porch. When I walk out she calls out "TUCK TUCK!" (Stuck stuck.)
Levi happenings:
He laughed for the first time late last night! I was sooo thrilled and happy. Such a sweet sound. A sound I wasn't sure I was ever going to hear!
He loves to sit up, propped by pillows and watching life go on around him.
Life going on....without us....
When I typed that I got this image in my head of Jason, Levi and I doing our thing at the hospitals, traveling, etc and it was like in slow motion but the world around us was moving at normal speed. Kind of like picture in picture. That's kind of what ill child life is like. You forget about everything else. Who cares that bills need paid, lawn needs mowed, that the kid in town broke his leg or whatever. All of that is sooo trivial compared to having a "child w/ cancer". Sometimes I can almost forget that he has cancer. I even catch myself saying "when he haD cancer". That is an incorrect statement. He still has cancer. I'm getting nervous about his MRI on the 10th. I'm almost afraid to pray for it to be clear. Like what if I'm running out of prayers to be answered? What if God says, well he's still alive, you are home, he's normal...You've had your fair share of answered prayers. It's someone else's turn. I know God doesn't work that way but it's still a fear of mine.
I have an online friend who's son needs brain surgery. I feel so badly for her cause I DO know what it's like. I wish I could give her my confidence, my calmness. I don't know when I decided to let God handle it and decide there's no point in getting worked up about the future and just deal w/ the moment. But I wish I could share that with her. Just live in the moment. Relax and know your child is in God's hands. Whatever happens is going to happen and no amt of worrying will change it.
Ok Livie is up in my chair w/ me making it quite difficult to think and type.
I love the website that comes from.
Today is such a blah day. Cindy and kids are back from Nevada and I soooo sooo want to see them but am just blah. Levi's is passed out in his swing, Livie's in the tub cause she's a dirtmongrel from playing outside. "Mama" Grandma is on her way YES! It's not that Livie's out of control today or anything I'm just ugh. Levi's been waking up several times at night crying and I'm not sure what's up with that. Making it tough for me to feel 100% during the day.
Livie funnies:
I had on Jason's tshirt. Livie said "No! Daddy's!" Made me take it off and put on my own. Then she told on me!
I heard her hiding under one of my tables on my sewing area side of the room. I hear quiet "snip snip" noises then a louder SNIP and Livie whispering to herself "SHHH Mommy!"
Boston, my dalmatian, had her pinned under his leg out on his couch on the back porch. When I walk out she calls out "TUCK TUCK!" (Stuck stuck.)
Levi happenings:
He laughed for the first time late last night! I was sooo thrilled and happy. Such a sweet sound. A sound I wasn't sure I was ever going to hear!
He loves to sit up, propped by pillows and watching life go on around him.
Life going on....without us....
When I typed that I got this image in my head of Jason, Levi and I doing our thing at the hospitals, traveling, etc and it was like in slow motion but the world around us was moving at normal speed. Kind of like picture in picture. That's kind of what ill child life is like. You forget about everything else. Who cares that bills need paid, lawn needs mowed, that the kid in town broke his leg or whatever. All of that is sooo trivial compared to having a "child w/ cancer". Sometimes I can almost forget that he has cancer. I even catch myself saying "when he haD cancer". That is an incorrect statement. He still has cancer. I'm getting nervous about his MRI on the 10th. I'm almost afraid to pray for it to be clear. Like what if I'm running out of prayers to be answered? What if God says, well he's still alive, you are home, he's normal...You've had your fair share of answered prayers. It's someone else's turn. I know God doesn't work that way but it's still a fear of mine.
I have an online friend who's son needs brain surgery. I feel so badly for her cause I DO know what it's like. I wish I could give her my confidence, my calmness. I don't know when I decided to let God handle it and decide there's no point in getting worked up about the future and just deal w/ the moment. But I wish I could share that with her. Just live in the moment. Relax and know your child is in God's hands. Whatever happens is going to happen and no amt of worrying will change it.
Ok Livie is up in my chair w/ me making it quite difficult to think and type.
Sunday, July 25, 2004
Profound thoughts
Profound thoughts
I always get these profound thoughts when I'm laying in bed trying to get my two children sound asleep or when I'm driving. Or anytime I can't write/type these thoughts down and get them out of my head where they swirl round and round needing release. Of course, by the time I get a quiet moment on the computer like now those profound thoughts are still lurking but not so noisily.
For example I was thinking the other day about how people will ask "Why me" of God. I don't. That's not entirely true. Sometimes I think but it immediately is followed by "why not me". Then I want to think what makes me so special to not experience this but then I change it to a positive POV. I am special. God knows I and my family are strong enough to get through this. Now I'm not saying I think we're strong enough. If I didn't have God I probably would have lost it a long time ago. But if God says I can do this and he is all knowing then I must be able to right? Who am I to question Him? Maybe He chose us because He knew Levi would need very special, strong parents to get him through this and that is us. Maybe other parents would divorce, be less of a parent to not only Levi but any other children. Jason and I have always had a very strong bond. And now that bond is being proven. Do I think we're better than everyone else? Heck no. Do I think that my thoughts are absolutely the truth? No but it's what keeps me going. I have to have something to hang onto. There was another family at the RMDH in B. There was this father, Leo and his 10 y/o dd. He is very angry w/ God. I so wish he could view this the way I view it. God isn't punishing us. He is rewarding us by allowing us to parent these very special children who requires very special parents. I am truly blessed to be Levi's mother.
posted by April Dawn @ 4:03 PM
1 Comments:
Kathy said...
I was drawn to your blog by your profile. We share an interest in our children and homebirth and cloth diapers. We also share the bond of parenting a special needs child. My son has autism and I am so thankful his need is not life threatening, except when he's falling out of windows. I can't imagine living with a child who was in constant need of medical attention. Then I remind myself I lived with that for 2 months after our triplets were born 11 weeks prematurely. People constantly ask how I do what I do, parenting 6 children (twins and triplets), one with autism and I say, "what else am I supposed to do?". I agree that God gives these children to those who He knows can parent them. I sometimes doubt his judgement of me but I know He never doubts me. All I need to do is remember that I asked God for all of my beauties and it is now up to me to live up to the gift I've been given.
If you decide to visit my blog (we are linked by our interests) don't think you've gone to the wrong place. What you will read there is not indicative of what I have shared here. It's more a place for me to cut loose and be the crazy youth I left behind. I just wanted to take moment to say "Hi" to another mom of a special child.
July 28, 2004 5:39 PM
I always get these profound thoughts when I'm laying in bed trying to get my two children sound asleep or when I'm driving. Or anytime I can't write/type these thoughts down and get them out of my head where they swirl round and round needing release. Of course, by the time I get a quiet moment on the computer like now those profound thoughts are still lurking but not so noisily.
For example I was thinking the other day about how people will ask "Why me" of God. I don't. That's not entirely true. Sometimes I think but it immediately is followed by "why not me". Then I want to think what makes me so special to not experience this but then I change it to a positive POV. I am special. God knows I and my family are strong enough to get through this. Now I'm not saying I think we're strong enough. If I didn't have God I probably would have lost it a long time ago. But if God says I can do this and he is all knowing then I must be able to right? Who am I to question Him? Maybe He chose us because He knew Levi would need very special, strong parents to get him through this and that is us. Maybe other parents would divorce, be less of a parent to not only Levi but any other children. Jason and I have always had a very strong bond. And now that bond is being proven. Do I think we're better than everyone else? Heck no. Do I think that my thoughts are absolutely the truth? No but it's what keeps me going. I have to have something to hang onto. There was another family at the RMDH in B. There was this father, Leo and his 10 y/o dd. He is very angry w/ God. I so wish he could view this the way I view it. God isn't punishing us. He is rewarding us by allowing us to parent these very special children who requires very special parents. I am truly blessed to be Levi's mother.
posted by April Dawn @ 4:03 PM
1 Comments:
Kathy said...
I was drawn to your blog by your profile. We share an interest in our children and homebirth and cloth diapers. We also share the bond of parenting a special needs child. My son has autism and I am so thankful his need is not life threatening, except when he's falling out of windows. I can't imagine living with a child who was in constant need of medical attention. Then I remind myself I lived with that for 2 months after our triplets were born 11 weeks prematurely. People constantly ask how I do what I do, parenting 6 children (twins and triplets), one with autism and I say, "what else am I supposed to do?". I agree that God gives these children to those who He knows can parent them. I sometimes doubt his judgement of me but I know He never doubts me. All I need to do is remember that I asked God for all of my beauties and it is now up to me to live up to the gift I've been given.
If you decide to visit my blog (we are linked by our interests) don't think you've gone to the wrong place. What you will read there is not indicative of what I have shared here. It's more a place for me to cut loose and be the crazy youth I left behind. I just wanted to take moment to say "Hi" to another mom of a special child.
July 28, 2004 5:39 PM
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Tonight I Cried
Tonight I cried. I cried for my beautiful daughter and our refound breastfeeding relationship. She was forced to wean. First it was only a couple of times a day during a few hour period when my mother would bring her up to the hospital to visit. Then we left for Boston and she was left behind. While there I decided not to allow her to return to bfing because of the difficulties. Well not allowing it was soo hard. Emotionally hard. She would cry and throw tantrums and I would just wither inside. Well tonight after several weeks of not allowing her to nurse for some reason I let her. It was so beautiful. She lie on my lap w/ beautiful long blonde curls tickling my leg. Her big blue eyes looking into mine. When she first latched on we didn't say anything. I had her up on my lap hugging her and telling her how much I loved being her mommy and how happy she made me. And then something just made me lift my shirt. She looked at me w/ wonder in her eyes. W/ expectation of being told "No these are for Levi now". And she so gently latched on and started nursing. I thought she might have forgotten how but she didn't. I thought she might let go and say yucky since she thinks booboo juice in a bottle/cup is yucky but she didn't. I just stared into her beautiful, innocent eyes and continued to brush her hair back from her face. She patted my face w/ her pudgy little hand. Now, if THAT is the last time she ever nurses I will remember it. I couldn't remember the last time she nursed. Is that why I allowed her to tonight after all these weeks?
edited 1/1/08-Livie nursed for another 18 months. She was 4 years and 1 month old when she weaned in December of 2005.
posted by April Dawn @ 10:22 PM
2 Comments:
Jenavive said...
Awwww! What a beautiful story! I'm glad that you were able to resume your breastfeeding relationship with your daughter.
July 28, 2004 10:20 PM
Jen said...
Wow, what a wonderful story. I've been following Levi's story for a while now, so you don't know me but I'm just one of the thousands of people who send their love and support to your family.
I loved this story, though. So sweet. Thank you for sharing it.
- Jen
July 30, 2004 2:40 PM
edited 1/1/08-Livie nursed for another 18 months. She was 4 years and 1 month old when she weaned in December of 2005.
posted by April Dawn @ 10:22 PM
2 Comments:
Jenavive said...
Awwww! What a beautiful story! I'm glad that you were able to resume your breastfeeding relationship with your daughter.
July 28, 2004 10:20 PM
Jen said...
Wow, what a wonderful story. I've been following Levi's story for a while now, so you don't know me but I'm just one of the thousands of people who send their love and support to your family.
I loved this story, though. So sweet. Thank you for sharing it.
- Jen
July 30, 2004 2:40 PM
Saturday, July 10, 2004
Kicking my ass
Allergies are killing me! I live in an ancient farmhouse and I'm allergic to it. Ever since we got back from Boston my eyes have been swollen, itchy, watery. When I wake up they are crusted shut!! ewww is right! Thanks to freaking claritin going OTC insurance no longer covers my allergy meds. GRRR!!
My mom picked Livie up last night to give me a break. Jason is back to work and so I no longer have a second set of hands. Cindy's on vacation and she's such a lifesaver as is her dd Becca. Livie loves to play outside all day w/ Becca. It's funny how Levi has changed my relationship w/ my mom. Actually my end hasn't changed but my mom has changed. Before when I would ask if Livie could stay the night she would tell me that she had to vacuum or mow the yard and no way was she coming to get her I had to bring her in to town. Now my mom is more than happy to help out. I'm so glad. My MIL on the other hand it...it seems to put more distance between us. She never comes over, seldom calls. I know it's because she thinks she's being more of a help by staying out of the way or something.
I hate it that dh is back to work. I mean I know he needs to for his sanity and just because it's the right thing to do. But for me...it sucks. He works second which kills entire days. We (the kids and I) go to bed right after he gets home then he sleeps til he has to go back to work. So we never see him. I've tried talking to him in the past about his "schedule" but it doesn't change anything. He'll still stay up half the night then sleep til he leaves for work. Part of me gets so frustrated w/ it but the other part understands. So I generally just bite my tongue then blow up at some point in time. Ok this is annoying. When I hit return the freaking cursor doesn't start a new paragraph. Ugh it's acting like the tab key. Ok too annoyed to continue. Besides dh is getting ready for work.
My mom picked Livie up last night to give me a break. Jason is back to work and so I no longer have a second set of hands. Cindy's on vacation and she's such a lifesaver as is her dd Becca. Livie loves to play outside all day w/ Becca. It's funny how Levi has changed my relationship w/ my mom. Actually my end hasn't changed but my mom has changed. Before when I would ask if Livie could stay the night she would tell me that she had to vacuum or mow the yard and no way was she coming to get her I had to bring her in to town. Now my mom is more than happy to help out. I'm so glad. My MIL on the other hand it...it seems to put more distance between us. She never comes over, seldom calls. I know it's because she thinks she's being more of a help by staying out of the way or something.
I hate it that dh is back to work. I mean I know he needs to for his sanity and just because it's the right thing to do. But for me...it sucks. He works second which kills entire days. We (the kids and I) go to bed right after he gets home then he sleeps til he has to go back to work. So we never see him. I've tried talking to him in the past about his "schedule" but it doesn't change anything. He'll still stay up half the night then sleep til he leaves for work. Part of me gets so frustrated w/ it but the other part understands. So I generally just bite my tongue then blow up at some point in time. Ok this is annoying. When I hit return the freaking cursor doesn't start a new paragraph. Ugh it's acting like the tab key. Ok too annoyed to continue. Besides dh is getting ready for work.
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