AP or not AP? Binky AND a bottle. ACK!! 

Binky Baby 

Home from Boston. 

Before tumor removal. Pressure caused his wide eyes. 

Morning coffee on the way to hospital. 

Cancer diaper from http://www.thefancyfanny.com/  

Close up. Aug 4. 

A few of Baby Levi's favorite gifts. 

Baby Levi Pics!!

I've started this blog for Levi and Livie pics so my "diary" blog isn't bogged down w/ them.

Answered Prayers

Tuesday, August 03, 2004
Answered Prayers

I feel I must thank God for the prayers he has answered in such ways that I know he has.

I've prayed for months/year? even for a "new" best friend IRL. I haven't had a best girlfriend since highschool. I have one online that I met a few years back. She's great. We have a lot in common. I've told her some of my deepest, most shameful secrets. However, she's not HERE. She's in another state. I can't go shopping with her or go hang out at her house. Well yesterday Cindy called me her best friend. At first I was a bit taken aback. The last "woman" who started calling me that was before Livie. I became pregnant and miscarried at 12 weeks. Well that "best friend" hasn't been around since. But Cindy's different. She's not airheaded for one lol. We have tons in common down to our "weird" parenting ways.

So prayer #1-best friend irl GRANTED!

Of course prayers for a soulmate and a healthy baby girl were granted some time back.

Prayed for my dream birth-granted.

Prayed for Levi to live through his surgeries-granted.

Prayed for Levi to recover from surgeries-granted.

Prayed for normal family life-granted even if it was only a short 3 or 4 weeks.

Prayed for a closer relationship w/ my mother-granted through the trial of Levi's cancer.

Prayed for a "better" relationship between dh and his father. Same as above.

God is good to us.

Hating This

I hate this sense of spinning out of control. I hate this obsessing about the MRI. Tonight I have this crazy sense of urgency. We bought a camcorder to record his birth and basically haven't used it since and I want to NOW. And I can't find the stinking battery. It's up and disappeared. I can still use the camcorder but it has to be plugged in so I can just grab it up and start recording just anytime anywhere. What if this is the last week he's a normal, healthy (in appearance) little baby boy? What if I never see him smile and giggle after this week? What if the chemo totally changes his personality? He didn't smile the entire time he was in the Boston hospital. That was only 2.5 weeks. Who knows how long chemo will last and how sick he'll be. What if he never smiles again? I can't stand this. I wish next week was over with. I want to get the MRI and the results done and over with. I can't stand this I can't stand this I can't stand this. I've cried more in the last few days than I have since his birth. I wish I could just push repeat and keep reliving the same day over and over and over. Never having to go fwd. Never worrying about another test. Chemo. The future. Just be happy and laughing every day the same as the last. Down to the very food we eat and the same commercials on tv. Just as long as every day he is the same healthy, happy little baby boy.