Hating This

I hate this sense of spinning out of control. I hate this obsessing about the MRI. Tonight I have this crazy sense of urgency. We bought a camcorder to record his birth and basically haven't used it since and I want to NOW. And I can't find the stinking battery. It's up and disappeared. I can still use the camcorder but it has to be plugged in so I can just grab it up and start recording just anytime anywhere. What if this is the last week he's a normal, healthy (in appearance) little baby boy? What if I never see him smile and giggle after this week? What if the chemo totally changes his personality? He didn't smile the entire time he was in the Boston hospital. That was only 2.5 weeks. Who knows how long chemo will last and how sick he'll be. What if he never smiles again? I can't stand this. I wish next week was over with. I want to get the MRI and the results done and over with. I can't stand this I can't stand this I can't stand this. I've cried more in the last few days than I have since his birth. I wish I could just push repeat and keep reliving the same day over and over and over. Never having to go fwd. Never worrying about another test. Chemo. The future. Just be happy and laughing every day the same as the last. Down to the very food we eat and the same commercials on tv. Just as long as every day he is the same healthy, happy little baby boy.